Day 24: Lesson Learned (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 24: Write about a lesson you’ve learned the hard way. (Sorry I’m a day late. Computer issues…)

The biggest lesson I’ve learned the hard way is to cease the moment. Life is too short to live it with regrets and disappointments over missed chances and opportunities. And when I look back over the years I see how many times I passed up a good thing only to find that the chance has never presented itself again, at least so far it hasn’t. Or I think about the people who have passed away and I immediately think of how I wish I had told them how I felt about them.

Over the years I have learned to live life to the full. A failure or bad choice can be a lesson learned but doesn’t have to be a regret. It is okay to say I love you even if it is not said back to you, IF you truly mean it. Only say I’m sorry when you mean it, and never apologize for being yourself. And learn to laugh at yourself. The sooner you do this the sooner life will turn around for you.

Day 23: A Letter To My 18 Year Old Self (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 23: A letter to someone, anyone.

Dear 18 Year Old Self:

You don’t know me, but I know you. I am you almost 2 decades into the future, and I am writing this letter to tell you that your life is going to turn out okay. But I have to warn you that things are not going to work out as you have planned it, and you must be okay with that. I’m telling you this because I want you to avoid the nervous breakdowns at the ages of 22 and 34. So, let me walk you through a few things.

Within the next 2 years you will be losing a couple of people that you hold on to as really dear friends. Let them go ad don’t cry over them. Trust me when I tell you that they really are up for no good, and will end up using you for all that they can. In about 18 months you will be blessed with the dream job where you will be making $30 an hour! I am not exaggerating this! But, these so called friends I’m talking about are going to want to use you for all the money they can get out of you. You should stack that money, but being the naïve and kind person you are you won’t. Don’t worry, you will recover from it eventually.

Speaking of friends, you know those new friends of yours that you are complaining are too old for you to be hanging around? Stop looking at their age, and start listening to their wisdom. They mean well for you and they care a lot about you. In fact, we ran into them a couple of years back and they acted like you never turned your back on them. They are still a support for you and a voice of reason when you need them to be. So, even when you write them off, don’t worry, they’ll still be around.

Now, let’s talk about matters of the heart. Within this next 2 years, in addition to ups and downs with friends, you are about to start embarking on the dating scene. You will meet and fall, almost simultaneously, for 2 men in different branches of the armed forces. My advice: Leave both of them alone. The one in Maryland is too old for you and a playboy, and the one in Missouri is a no good user. When the latter one proposes to you, you are going to be flattered, but thank God you decide to break it off. By the way, that $1500 you gave him in the form of a cell phone and the bills that resulted from it? Chop it up to a loss. Look at it as you buying a huge mistake out of your life.

Once you are done with those losers, you will meet a sweet neighborhood guy who is in college. Enjoy your time with him and get a real feel for how a relationship is supposed to go. You will feel like he is the one, but he is not. But not a bad choice. When you get nervous about the relationship moving forward you are going to run and basically disappear on him. Don’t worry, you’ll get a chance to apologize to him when you run into him in about 6 or 7 years. And don’t freak out about him inviting you to his upcoming wedding. He really did consider you a good friend.

When you are about 21 or 22, after you break up with the sweet guy, you will start to date a man who is about 11 years older than you. This 6 month long relationship will feel really comfortable, and you will feel more like he is a big brother to you. Some of his fatherly ways will get on your nerves, but this is because you are not ready for this type of relationship, and you 2 really aren’t a match. In another year, you will meet a guy from New York who asks so much like him, but it will work, and there’s a reason for that. If you believed in soul mates, you’re going to realize that he is the epitome of what a soul mate is.

And if you are wondering: You do move to New York, but you won’t stay. Over the years you will find yourself missing it more and more and will try to get back there often. Enjoy your visits, because you will go through a period of immense anger surrounding New York and the man there. I am not going to go into detail, as I don’t want to prejudice you in any way. Your anger will keep you away for a while; the good thing is it will help you to open your eyes to a lot of things you will have overlooked, but anger will also drive you to make stupid decisions. It will all level out, but only after you break off your engagement and realize that you accepted the proposal out of anger. That’s a long story for another letter, though.

I’ve waited until now to address your family, because this is very important. Love your family and realize that they truly love you and want the best for you. However, you also have to realize that you are quite different from them, and I need you to be okay with that. You will find yourself bumping heads with them a lot, and you will find yourself hiding things from them a lot. I wish I could tell you to just be yourself and realize that you really have to answer to God, and not your family. But you will learn this lesson on your own eventually. I do want to tell you to cherish your parents, even though they get on your nerves. You will almost lose your dad to cancer in about 6 years and he will never be the same. In fact, we are currently watching him deteriorate from dementia and other health issues. Speaking of dementia, you will lose your grandma Bea to this same disease. And that wheelchair your mom is in isn’t a temporary thing,

You are going to go through many periods of immense sadness and deep loneliness. Part of it is because of your caring heart. And part of it is because you will find out, in about 14 years that you suffer from anxiety and major depression. The medicine will help, but you have got to fight to keep your sanity. You can’t afford to lose it, especially since Jonah depends on you so… Who is Jonah? Oh, he is your son. Yup, you’re going to be a mom… and a wonderful one, too. And as soon as you and Mr. New York figure out how to be adults the 2 of you will make a great parenting duo.

There’s so much more I could tell you, but you will figure it out on your own. I must go now because our traveling bug has just bitten us again. Right now we’re planning on another trip to New York, and then South Carolina. And in just a few months it will be the Bahamas! That’s why we’re paying a trainer now, so that we can be beach body ready then. Keep your chin up, missy. You are going to turn out just fine.

With tender love,

35 year old you

Day 17: All About Me (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 17: Post 30 facts about yourself.

Ok… here’s my challenge: to post things that you may not readily know about me. Now… what do I want to share??? Hmmm…

1. I love to cook. Ok, I know I’m being captain obvious here, because I feel like I’ve mentioned this several times before. And for those who personally know you then you already know that… sit tight, I’m coming up with some more stuff. J
2. I’m a night owl. Again, probably figured this out by the late times that I post to this blog… Sheesh… let’s start getting into some good stuff.
3. I have several tattoos and have had a few body piercings. And no I was not on drugs at the time I got them. I was just a little wild and wanted to find a different way of expressing myself. So erase all of those stereotypes associated with folks with tattoos. Do I regret getting them? A little, because in certain settings I find myself having to cover them up. What piercings have I had? Did they hurt? There was a level of discomfort, but I would not describe it as hurting. Now the piercings… THOSE, my friend, HURT! But, I have long removed them and let the holes close up.
4. I am very moody. And I fight hard against it. But it happens, and my family and friends have just learned to deal with it. I have also figured out how to either mask it, or avoid people when I’m in a really terrible mood.
5. I’m a tomboy. I’m also a girly girl. It is a weird combination that will have me going to get a manicure and pedicure just before playing a game of basketball, and afterwards I’ll go shopping for purses, and then work on my car lol
6. I studied German in school. Of all the languages I could choose when I started high school, I choose German. Mind you, I had studied French in elementary school, and Spanish in high school. So why on earth did I take up German?
7. I love to travel. Ok, back to something you probably already know. I’ve been to quite a few places in America, and I’ve ventured to the Caribbean a few times. My next 2 major trips I’d like to take are down to South America and over to Europe.
8. I’m a daddy’s girl. Always have been, always will be. Nothing anyone can do about it. If any man fits into the category with my dad then he must be something special.
9. I know what true love is. And I know what it’s like to have a love stand the test of quite some time.
10. I’m a sleepy head. Probably because I stay up late at night. Go to bed earlier, right? Tell my mind that…
11. I almost moved to Atlanta. I had the perfect opportunity to move to Atlanta, with the perfect set up. But I choose to move to New York, instead.
12. I love New York. And I really hope to move back there really, really soon. So if anyone is looking to hire someone with awesome administrative and customer service skills I’m here. Available NOW! J
13. I love to read. But I wish I had more time to do so. In November and December I read all 3 of the Hunger Games books, all 3 of the Divergent series, and The Fault In Our Stars. But I really haven’t had enough time to catch up on books lately. Maybe I can get into audio books.
14. I think I have a tendency to be mean. Although people keep telling me I’m nice. I’m like yea, ok, whatever.
15. I love to watch movies. In the theater, on DVD, on Netflix… I just like movies. I manage to watch 2-3 movies per week. If I could, I would probably watch a movie a night.
16. I love my son. But I’m not very fond of other people’s children. LOL I never really intended to have kids. And I love my son. But geesh… It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s like… what do you do with them?!
17. I’m a loner. But I want to have people around… I guess so I can ignore them? I don’t know… maybe I’m really a cat and just want folks around on my terms. I’m screwed up, huh?
18. Being alone is my biggest fear. Always has been, over death even.
19. I’m addicted to kitchen gadgets. I have 2 crockpots, an electric griddle, a Foreman grill, a Keurig, a NutriBullet, and a Ninja. And I use them all, sometimes multiple gadgets at one time and I LOVE it!
20. I have many homemade videos. Because I am a dork and sometimes pretend that I am hosting a cooking show and giving demonstrations. So I will set up my laptop and push record. (I really need a life lol)
21. I have several recorded interviews. Right here on my phone. Yes, I have interviewed myself many times. Again, one of those moments that my imagination is way too active.
22. I wish I were in the media in some capacity. And this goes along with the last 2 things mentioned. Just once in my life I would like to either appear on television or on the radio.
23. I have a quick temper. But I am learning to handle it better. When I was younger I would go off in a heartbeat. And start a fight at the drop of a hat. But know I have learned to keep silent and walk away.
24. I can be a grammar snob. And sometimes it kind of becomes a turn off for some people. So I try to just ignore a lot of things that are (mis)said.
25. I don’t know what my favorite color is. Sounds odd, huh? But it has changed so much over the years I’m not even confident that I truly know what it is.
26. I love animals. All kinds of them, and tinker on obsession, I think. But they are all so cute and cuddly!
27. Confidence does not come easily for me. I tend to doubt myself, and that lack of confidence sometimes holds me back from getting what I want. But I am changing that, one therapy session at a time.
28. I have an anxiety problem. And I have dealt with it for many years, since I was a child in fact. I have had to learn and employ a few techniques to help me deal with it on a day to day basis.
29. I am a brat. But don’t tell my siblings that, because I argue with them whenever they try to say I am. I am the youngest of 5, and there is quite a large age gap between me and the rest of the siblings. So they automatically assume it’s because my parents were tired that I got away with so much stuff. I totally disagree because I like to think I was the perfect child. LOL
30. I’m glad to be at #30. Because this was kind of tough.

Day 16: The Way It Was… (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 16: Something that you miss.

Initially, when I thought about this day of the challenge, this topic, my thoughts were that there are many things I miss. I thought about my mom’s dad, my dad’s mom, and my uncle – all of whom have passed away in death and I wish I could see and talk to again. I think about my sister in Tennessee who I wished I could get closer to, and her girls that I would love to be a better auntie to. I think about my old job working in the nonprofit sector where I actually felt accomplished and like my life had a purpose. But, even those I miss those people and things, when I really thought about it I realized that there was something I really miss more than all of that.

What I really miss is feeling happy. That is an emotion I haven’t felt in such a long time, and it seems more and more unattainable. There used to be a time when my life felt so full. Like I was bursting at the seams on this whirlwind rollercoaster, and I was loving it. I used to travel all the time, had friends around me, really enjoying every moment. And now? I feel lifeless, alone, and miserable. Sure, I have my up moments when something will bring me joy, but it is a fleeting feeling that is soon replaced by grief.

I remember when I had a lot friends, in the state and out, who would invite me to go hang out, grab a drink, take in a local band, go on a cruise or a fun vacation. Those were the good times, and I have plenty of memories and pictures to reflect on. Here lately, though, it seems that most of my friends live in Dot Com Land and we meet up on Facebook and pass each other on Instagram. But that is about it. I try not to fall into the social media pitfall of depression when I see others who are going and doing. Sometimes it is hard not to feel a twinge of jealousy, or anger even, over it all.

I miss things that I did not have, like normal relationships where people were rooting for us to make it, and we were developing bonds with each other’s families and working toward something wonderful. All of my relationships have been clouded by many factors I don’t care to discuss at any length. But none of them were relationships I could be 100% proud of or open about for one reason or another. And, while we’re on the subject, I guess I really miss a relationship where I can be 100% happy in it. And not constantly worrying about when the bottom is going to drop out, or tinkering with the thought of whether I should just give up or not.

Basically, what I miss is what life is supposed to be: adventurous, exciting, fresh, and worth living. Now, don’t take that to mean I want to give up my life. Far from it! I really want things to improve. But how do I go about doing that? How to I stop getting so overwhelmed and bogged down in my emotions so that I can get my mojo back? How do I figure out what I need to fight for and what I need to leave alone? How do I get the old me back? And is the old me really who I need to be worried about? Or should I be working on building the current me into a person I can feel confident about? So many questions… At this rate I’m quite sure my therapist won’t be retiring anytime soon.

Day 11: What If? (30 Day Writing Challenge)

No, I did not fall off the wagon. I just succumb to extreme fatigue the past couple of days. But don’t worry. I’m going to make up for it with 3 posts this evening so that I can catch up and be back on track for the 30 day writing challenge.

Day 11: Something you always think “What if” about

“What if” is something I try not to dwell on anymore, as it seems to cause a lot of mixed emotions. You see, I believe that there are a lot of things we would all do differently if we had the opportunity to. However, the fact of the matter is that every decision we’ve made, every experience we’ve had, every trial we’ve faced have all been a huge part of who and what we are at this very moment.

For instance, what if I had decided to move to Atlanta instead of New York? What if I had decided to abort my child instead of carry and birth it? That last one…. Came so close and I am so glad I pulled out at the last minute, even with the loss of money. What if I had stayed in New York instead of moving back to Michigan? What if I had decided against killing my thyroid to take care of the Grave’s Disease? Man… I really wish I would have thought that one through.

You see, in all of these situations had I made the opposite decision my life would be totally different right now. And I’m not sure if am comfortable with that. I mean, there are some things that I really would like to do over, but then I would not have the lessons I gained from some of those experiences and the wisdom that I acquired from them.

To be honest with you, I try to spend less time wondering “what if” and more time trying to figure out “what now” so that I will find enough fulfillment in my life at the present and less frustration and regrets in the future.

Day 9 – A Wise Person Once Said… (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 9: Post some words of wisdom that speak to you.

I remember getting my first apartment as a young adult in my early 20s. My mom told me, “Be careful who you let in.” And of course I immediately reassured her that I would be watchful as I walked in at night, I would not be quick to fling the door open, and I would not be hosting parties with any and everybody coming in and out of my apartment. My mom looked at me and said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying for you to be careful who you let in your life.”

Over the years my parents were always kind of protective of me. They were always careful to make sure my associates were those who were being raised with the same principles they were raising me with, and those who were being guided by the same moral compass. As I got older some of those that I was associated with as a young child slowly begin to go their own way. And when it became evident my parents pulled me away from such ones. But now I was moving out on my own and from up under the watchful eye of my parents. It would now be up to me to become my own judge of character and my own protector.

Slowly but surely, as I got involved in some precarious situations I begin to see what my mom meant about being careful about who I let in my life. Over the course of the years I have had so-called friends take money from me, ruin my credit, even pull a shot gun out and hold it to my head over a card game. I have been lied to, lied about, betrayed, and hurt many times by people who claimed to be my friend.

As I got older and went through these various trials, I often recalled my mom’s warning that she gave me as a young adult. I have really come to appreciate the need to be careful of who I let in my life because it has a definite effect on me. I am now very careful with who I let into my circle. I’m a little less trusting and a lot more perceptive. The lessons I have learned are the ones I am trying to teach my son, so that he won’t have to go through the tough times I did. I’m trying to teach him what my mom tried to teach me, that not everyone deserves to be in your life. It is okay to have requirements of those you choose to be your friends.

You absolutely do need to be careful of who you let in your life.

Day 8 – The Struggle Is Real! (30 Day Writing Challenge)

Day 8: Share something you struggle with.

This writing challenge is one that made me stop and think. Not because I couldn’t think of something I struggle with; I started to think of all the things I struggle with. It’s a lot. So the question was what struggle I wanted to share… And I settled on love.

Now, this is not going to be another sad love story about how I can’t find love, or how I’ve lost the love of my life. This is the struggle about figuring out how to handle love correctly. I struggle with this in 2 specific areas: my relationship with God, and my romantic relationship. So, let’s start with the most important (in my opinion, at least): My relationship with God.

Here’s the thing, I love God. I truly do. And I understand what He requires of me, according to His Word. Now, actually adhering to it and being content in my life is a horse of another color. I can really identify with the Bible writer who said that he carried on a warring in the flesh. When he wished to do what was good what was bad was present in him.

In my relationship with God I have never had major upsets and disappointments. He has always treated me well and I have always felt fulfilled. Yet I struggle to live my life in a way that will be pleasing to him at all times. Sometimes I feel like the child who disappoints their parents by going totally against their upbringing and doing unthinkable things.

I know that to some this may not really seem like a really big issue. After all, we are all sinners, right? Yea, that’s true. But when you have had this divine relationship at a certain level and you have allowed it to slip so far from where it used to be, there is an undeniable guilt that can come over you. And I want to get back to where I once was, but that is very tough because it means that certain things I have become comfortable with and accustomed to I will have to give up. And I’m working on it, but I am not there yet.

Romantically, I have a man that loves the ground I walk on. We have been through so much together and have stuck with each other through thick and thin, ups and downs, happy times and disappointments. He is a wonderful leader and a great provider… when I let him be. See, I struggle with allowing myself to be loved by him. I struggle with relaxing with him and allowing him to take the lead. And I know what you are thinking, that I have been hurt in the past and that’s why I’m finding it hard to let him in. and you are absolutely incorrect!

This man is the first and only person I have ever felt this way about. And ours is not a new love. Ours is one that has stood the test of 12 years. The problem? It’s totally me and my inability to truly love myself. This is an issue that stems from childhood, not something that comes from bad and failed relationships. At least, not bad and failed romantic relationships. You see, I struggle daily to feel good about myself and to really accept my worth. Therefore, I find it hard to accept when someone else sees the worth and values it.

Come to think of it, that is probably the real reason behind my struggle with my relationship with God. Perhaps I feel like I do not deserve to be loved in such an awesome way by anyone, human or Divine. No, I am not content to live my life this way. Yes, I am working on myself and how to value and accept myself. But it takes time. Meanwhile, I have become very skillful at disguising the issues I have within myself. I truly look forward to, one day, overcoming this struggle instead of merely coping with it and masking it.

HMR Diet – 1 Week In

HMR Diet – 1 Week In…

Just a quick check in on the one week mark. And I am feeling great! Tomorrow I go back to the clinic and get officially weighed in, and we’ll see how accurate my bathroom scale is. But I have to tell you how amazing this experience has been for me so far.

So my prescription is 5 shakes (mind you , shakes can be made into puddings and mousses, and can have add-ins), and 2 entrees. This is the minimum, if I’m really hungry I can add in another shake, or I can even add in another entrée. The thing is I really have not been hungry, though. One nights when I go to the gym or do my Zumba class I add in an extra entrée, but for the most part I’m pretty good with the minimum. In fact, sometimes I find it hard to fit in all the meal replacements.

Here’s some cool stuff I’ve done with my shake mixes:

Chocolate shake mix, tbsp. PB2 (powdered peanut butter… HEAVENLY), 6 oz of water, and 4 ice cubes. DELICIOUS! Think Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but without the guilt.

Vanilla shake mix, tbsp. PB2 with Chocolate, 6 oz of water, and 4 ice cubes. HEAVENLY! Puts you in the mind of a liquid peanut butter cookie.

Chocolate shake mix, 4 oz water, banana flavoring. It’s chocolate pudding with a hint of banana.

Vanilla shake mix, 1 tsp sugar free cheesecake pudding mix, sprinkle of sugar free gelatin, 2-3 oz of water. Mix it up and it tastes like a divine cherry cheesecake!

I don’t feel like I’m missing out at all, and I have also lost my taste for junk food. Friday I was at my parents’ place and they had pizza and breadsticks, and spaghetti. And I made a turkey chili with bean entrée and ate it and was satisfied and not tempted at all.

So, HMR Diet, 1 week in… I’m happy and can’t wait to see what week 2 brings about.

HMR Diet Day 5 – I Made The Right Choice

Five days into the HMR Diet and I am feeling good. I feel normal. And I am losing weight! I won’t be giving an official total just yet, because I weigh in on Tuesday at the clinic and I will be going by their scale. But I can tell you that my personal scale in my bathroom has definitely moved down a few digits. Tonight I am taking a picture of me in shorts and a tank top because I want to compare myself at the day one mark (though I’m a few days late on that) with the day 30 mark, and day 60 mark. I know it is going to take more than 60 days, but I want to definitely see this transformation from the early stages through the completion.

One thing I have learned is that this whole system is about re-programming your mind and changing the way your body acts and reacts. One major change I have had to make is you are required to eat within an hour of waking up. Now, for me this presents a challenge for 2 reasons. 1) I have never been one to eat before 7:30 in the morning! I wake up at 5:15 or 5:30 during the week, which means I need to have my first shake by 6:15 or 6:30 in the morning. 2) I have to take my Synthroid on an empty stomach 30-60 minutes prior to taking in food or drink (other than water). Usually I wake up at the first alarm and then laze around watching the news for 30 minutes, then rush to get ready in 30 minutes and I’m out the door. Not anymore… Now I’m up as soon as my alarm goes off and I take my medication. Then I start fixing my shakes to take to work with me (more about how I carry those to work later), then I fix my son’s lunch and get his back pack together. By that time it’s time for me to fix my first shake of the morning and drink it down. I usually take some water with me to sip on for my long ride to work.

About that eating first thing in the morning business. The main reason you are encouraged to do that is to get your metabolism started. When I mentioned this to my sister, she questioned if that is really valid or not. Now, I have not done any research to validate my theory, but I will go on and share with you what I told her. In theory it does make sense. Think about it: You’re dead asleep, your body is in a state of inactivity for however many hours you’ve been asleep. When you wake up you may still feel a little groggy, but as you start to move around and actually doing things your body starts to feel more alive. Your brain wakes up and you can think clearly and soon it becomes easier to function. Your metabolism, in my theory and opinion, works the same way. When you go to sleep all systems slow down tremendously. The sooner you get food in your system the sooner you force your metabolism to start working to help process that food to be used in the best way possible to power your body. And I have found that I am not as hungry in the mornings as I had been, and that I feel a little more alert during the day.

Something else the HMR Diet has taught me is to control my thoughts and to fight temptation. Every Friday when I get off work I meet up with my son and sister over to my parents’ apartment and we have dinner together. Sometimes it is what mom or dad has cooked, and other times it is pizza or perhaps fried chicken and some kind of sides. Today they hit me with the double whammy: mom’s homemade spaghetti AND a pizza with breadsticks. But came prepared. I had the HMR turkey chili with beans entrée. I promptly heated it up and sat there and ate it. And I felt good about my choice, and I felt full!

I have realized that part of successfully sticking to a plan is first of all to commit to it. Make up your mind that THIS is what you are going to do. That you are not going to allow haters to get into your head. And to know that you are stronger than any temptation you may face. The other reason I was able to resist these delicacies is because I WAS NOT HUNGRY! That is another key, not feeling hunger. When I don’t feel hungry I am more in control of my decisions. I had even brought a shake mix with me to make a pudding in case I was still hungry after the entrée, but I didn’t even need it. I drank water and I felt alright.

Each day is getting easier and I am still excited about making this positive step to better health. Any change you are going to make, be it big or small, drastic or subtle, and make sure that you are doing it because you want to. And that is totally why I am committing to this lifestyle change. I woke up tired of being obese, tired of my weight haunting me in my dreams, and ashamed of the condition I have allowed my body to deteriorate to. It is high time that I take back my life and start living the best life I can. I used to wish for a healthier me and a leaner body, but now I have decided to work for it!